Why brutal honesty {is really a} mistake – and {the main one} time it’s not

Over {days gone by} 12+ years, I’ve had {lots of fun} giving advice and sharing what I’ve learned. I used {to obtain} frustrated when people didn’t listen. Why didn’t they just follow my advice when {I possibly could} {Even though} they genuinely {wished to} change?

Brutal honesty rarely works when we’re {looking to get} other people {to improve}.

But {it could be} {very efficient} when we’re {attempting to} change ourselves.

Today we’ll walk through the 4 truths about brutal honesty:

Truth #1: People don’t {desire to} hear brutal honesty

It took me {quite a long time} {to understand} that information alone doesn’t persuade. If it did, we’d all be rich, fit, and in perfect relationships.

Take one of {the best} {types of} how information alone doesn’t help people lose weight. The short story is that author Clotaire Rapaille was speaking at a university conference {where in fact the} other speakers were {discussing} {the significance} of obesity education. He looked {round the} room and said this:

“{I believe} {it really is} fascinating that {another} speakers today have suggested that education {may be the} {response to} our country’s obesity problem,” I said. I slowly gestured {round the} room. “If education {may be the} answer, then why hasn’t it helped more of you?”

Insert {an unbelievable} awkward silence.

How {is it possible to} be honest {without having to be} a jerk? {Have a look at} this 4-minute video where I share:

Truth #2: People aren’t brutally honest with us

Because people don’t generally {desire to} hear brutal honesty, most advice – especially online – isn’t {very useful}.

For example, I was reading a women’s relationship-advice site. This girl was {requesting} advice {in regards to a} guy she was seeing. {That they had} gone on {several} dates, but he hardly called her and mostly sent short text replies when she initiated.

“LEAVE HIM!” {another} women on the forum yelled.

“{Here’s what|This is what} you do,” one said. “{You have to|You should} test him and make him {work with} it.”

Another said, “Let him chase you. {You have to|You should} {filter} guys {such as this} and {choose} men {who would like} you.”

Do {you see} something funny {concerning the} advice?


Instead, they {informed her} about filtering men…and how HE {had a need to} work to win her…and how she shouldn’t {endure} {just how} he was treating her.

Yes, that girl on the advice forum should probably kick that guy to the curb (he’s {not} that into her). But I guarantee she could improve herself – becoming {more pleasurable}, {getting ultimately more} fit, {picking right up} interesting activities, and overall {focusing on} her {good attitude}.

This {notion of} actually improving yourself is advice NOBODY tells their friends. It’s politically incorrect and impolite, and it’s {better to|simpler to} {inform them} to DUMP THAT LOSER! {But it addittionally} {is actually} 100% true.

I {desire to} show you {why}.

A friend of mine had a crush {using one} of my friends, a big-name, top-tier guy. She was mystified {he} didn’t {appear to be} into her, and she asked for my advice. I don’t usually give relationship advice (because {folks are} weirdos {and begin} hating you {once you} don’t {inform them} they’re {the best}), but she was persistent.

I said {a very important factor}: “{What type of|What sort of} woman does {a guy} like him want?”

She responded with generic BS: “Confident, smart, blah blah.”

I said, “Ok, just stop. This dude {is really a} high-caliber man. {He could be} SWIMMING in women. {Needless to say} he wants that – but that’s just {the price tag on} admission. What else?”

She was stumped – and admitted she’d {hardly ever really} {considered} what {He’d} want – because in her mind, {on her behalf} {lifetime|life time}, she’d been the prize that men pursued.

It {proved} there were {a couple of things} she {Can work} on. She recognized that to attract a top-tier partner, she {needed to be} {near the top of} her game.

({Incidentally}, this is {in the same way} true for guys. It’s {insufficient} to just coast by – improving yourself means becoming more interesting, fit, engaging, and entertaining. {Once you} {end up being the} life of the party, women {will undoubtedly be} {drawn to} you, {rather than} you simply {needing to} chase after {anything you} {will get}.)

By {just how}, I’m {not only} {discussing} relationships…

We do {a similar thing} with careers. We {reveal} what {We wish} in a job…how {We wish} a flexible schedule, {how exactly we} {have to} make $X, {how exactly we} want to {home based} on Fridays.

I call this “I, I, I Syndrome,” because average people spend so {enough time} {considering} what they want…that they NEVER {focus on} what the {potential employer} wants!

(BTW, {on this website} I detail {how exactly to} {do that} for your dream jobstarting {your web} business, and your social skills.)

Truth #3: Brutally honest feedback {may be the} key to growth

My friend was telling me about {a meeting} he attended {a couple of years} ago. {Several} women were {earned} {to provide} direct feedback {about how exactly} they perceived {the people} and their clothing, their demeanor, {the direction they} came across. {They were|We were holding} grown men – {construction industry workers}, authors, professionals.

Try {to assume} what happened.

“{The people} were crying,” {my pal} {explained}. “Nobody had ever given us {this type of|this sort of} brutal feedback.” {The ladies} called them “creepy” and “dorky.”

My friend realized NOBODY HAD TAUGHT HIM {how exactly to} {speak to} women. Worse, he’d been {carrying it out} wrong his {lifetime|life time}.

In his head, he was {a good} guy. {However the} way he was {sounding} was terrible. {The ladies} weren’t being mean, and {there is} no reason to lie. He simply hadn’t realized how he {had been} perceived…for his {very existence}.

How {a lot of us} have things our friends aren’t telling us?

Maybe you’re socially awkward. Or you have an irritating verbal tic. {Are you currently} always late? {Can you} smell, but nobody will {let you know}?

What {in case you have|for those who have|when you have|should you have} a trait that’s crippling your social skills, or your career…but {you won’t ever} {learn}?

I realized this {over time} of not getting what {I needed}. I tried {to boost} myself (e.g., {to get} weight {therefore i} wasn’t so skinny, {to obtain} less socially awkward, etc), {nonetheless it} didn’t work.

You {know very well what} happens {after a few years}?

We {begin to} {consider} ourselves in {an awful} way: “{That is} who {I’m}.”

“I’m the skinny guy who can’t {put on weight}.” (I used to joke {about this}. I didn’t realize the impact that insulting myself had {by myself} self-concept.)

“I’m just lazy.”

“I’m not {the type of} person who {can begin} {a small business}.”

We {begin to} {believe that|believe} we’re not {the type of} {one who} can {earn much more}, or throw parties, or improve our style/appearance, {as well as} our career skills! {Needless to say}, it’s not politically correct {to inform} ourselves that we’re limited, so we rationalize it:

  • “Nobody’s perfect”
  • “{Far better} {concentrate on} your strengths and ignore your weaknesses”
  • “I don’t {desire to} lose what I {curently have}”

The {facts are}, it’s {An easy task to} {give up} yourself – {easier} than forcing {you to ultimately} change! {Once we} {grow older}, it’s HARD {to understand} new skills. Just {consider}: When was {the final} time you tried doing something new where you truly felt {just like a|such as a} beginner?

This {may be the} weirdest {& most} depressing part. {Right now} {whenever we} accept our weaknesses {and prevent} deciding {to cultivate}, we’re {the very best} we’re ever {likely to} be. It’s all downhill from there.

Or…we could {have a} different approach.

We could subject ourselves to uncomfortable situations where we {undertake} the “beginner’s mind” and force ourselves {to cultivate}.

We could {recognize that} ANYONE {will get} older…but few actually get “better with age” unless they’re intentional {about any of it}.

And {we are able to} {select a} few {regions of} life {you want to} improve – {just a couple of|just a couple|a few|only a few} – {and be} masters at them.

Remember the men’s group {I simply} told you about?

The friend was Michael Ellsberg. And {Not long ago i} invited him into my NYC video studio {to talk about} his detailed story. I rarely get “shocked” by people {any longer}, but his brutal honesty really surprised me.

In the interview, he shares:

  • His rags-to-riches story: How he moved to Buenos Aires because {he previously} no money and he couldn’t {ensure it is} in America
  • Now he makes multiple 6 figures/year (he named {the precise} figure on camera) and {is really a} noted speaker on social skills
  • His formula for why parents {tend to be} so {concerned about} us, {rather than} supporting us (“{They need} safety {for his or her|because of their} kids – not excellence”)

And he {discusses} how he {experienced} a grueling 10+ years of self-development to {focus on} improving himself…sharing the toughest lessons {therefore i} could {study from} his journey.

If you’re {thinking about} {studying} the “blind spots” {you may have} {that you experienced} – like how those women told Michael he was {sounding} as creepy – {I wish to|I would like to} {demonstrate} this video.

Truth #4: An “honesty bath” {may be the} first step {to generate} new habits

Just like {folks are} rarely brutally honest with us… we often lie to ourselves.

So {a lot of us} start our day off with a lie!

  • “Ugh, I’m tired…I’ll {visit the} gym after work”
  • “Ok, for real, I’m not {likely to} eat {processed foods} tonight” (said {whilst getting} dressed to {venture out}, knowing you’ll be drinking 5 vodka tonics and passing by that pizza {put on} 6th Ave. You’re {Bound} {to consume} drunk food tonight. {Nevertheless, you} deny it)
  • “I’m {likely to} {awaken} early tomorrow” (said while browsing Reddit and Facebook at 9pm…only to be doing {a similar thing} 5 hours later)

This is where I {have a} brutal honesty bath.

What {After all} is, I get BRUTALLY HONEST about myself. {This implies} I look back at {the final} month and say, “What did I claim I {would} do? What did {I must say i} do?”

And then, in classic GTD style, {I really do} these:

  • Delete
  • Defer
  • Do it

Example: {EASILY} claim I’m {likely to} wake up {each day} at 7am, but {each morning}, {I simply} slap the snooze button until it’s 8am…I’m not {likely to} {awaken} at 7am! DELETE!

If I claim I’m {likely to} make my bed {each morning}, but {I’ve} {an enormous} project {at the job} and I haven’t {managed to get} {within the last} 3 weeks, I’m not {likely to} make my bed {as the} crazy project {is going on} {at the job}. DEFER!

This {requires a} {large amount of} fortitude {because you} {need to be} ruthlessly honest about your strengths and weaknesses, {as well as your} past behavior {is the better} predictor of future behavior. {When you are} {utilizing the} word “just” – “Ugh, I’ll just start {in a few days}” or “I’ll just try harder this week” – you’ve already lost.

The {best benefit}? Once you {decide}, {it is possible to} live GUILT-FREE and use {your time} to {invest in} things you’ll {do}.

Our struggles with self-improvement {are actually} struggles with creating habits – {which explains why} I {come up with} {the most effective} material on setting goals, creating habits that stick, riding motivational waves, and getting back {on the right track} ({should anyone ever} fall off).

If you’re {prepared to} stop making excuses, {use} {of this} rut, and {create a} major change {that you experienced}, this free guide is {for you personally}.


Take {a glance at} what’s inside:

  • How to {awaken} productive {and obtain} more done by noon than {a lot of people} do {all day long} (covered {partly} 2)
  • “{EASILY} wasn’t so lazy, I’d ____.” I’ll {educate you on} {how exactly to} keep being productive {even though} you “don’t {feel just like} it.” (covered {partly} 3)
  • Ever spent a busy day {filled up with} distractions – answering emails and putting out fires – and walked away feeling {as if you} finished nothing? I’ll {demonstrate} {how exactly to} stay productive and eliminate distractions (covered {partly} 6)

This free guide includes HD videos, downloadable worksheets, lessons from the world’s leading experts on behavioral change, {and far}, {a lot more}.

So {take a look}. {Try} the techniques. {And revel in} the results {you obtain} for {the others} {you will ever have}.

Get {the best} Guide to Habits: {Proven} {approaches for} making habits stick – {forever}.

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