Please… stop {authoring} how “vulnerable” {you’re}

Please god, {i want to} never {find} {one of these brilliant} quotes again:

{Guess what happens} else is terrifying? My face {when i} read {another|just one more} {one of these brilliant} sugary-sweet quotes that {a lot of people} post about vulnerability.

Is {other people} {fed up with} this shit?

It {appears like} everyone {all around us} is telling us to {become more} vulnerable. Share your failures! {Become more} open! There’s power in being authentic {once you} share your shame!

But they don’t {let you know} {the entire} story. Vulnerability {will get} you {a lot of} likes, or {it could} even {allow you to get} a TED Talk…

…but you’ll notice these “experts” deliberately {omit} one key {section of} vulnerability.

Nobody ever {discusses} it.

But {I’ll}.

***

In my 20s I prided myself on {as an} “unemotional” guy.

Take a look. {This is actually the} impression I left on {the one who} interviewed me for a Fortune Magazine profile:

And it {dates back} way {beyond} that.

For example, growing up in a middle-class family, I knew I’d {need to get} scholarships {to cover} college. I {put on} 65+ and got interviews with {a whole lot}. I thought {I did so} great, but I kept losing to other candidates. Why?

It {works out} {that whenever} you {head into} a room, {plus they} ask, “How {are you currently}?” {and you also} respond with {a completely} FLAT SERIAL-KILLER AFFECT – “{I’m} doing great” or “{I’m} so excited to be here” – people don’t {enjoy} that.

Part of {it had been} being raised {being an} Indian guy. Indian and Asian guys aren’t raised {showing} our emotions like {other folks}. It took me years {and lots of} hard work {to comprehend} this, then work {showing} my feelings. That practice helped me earn enough scholarship money {to cover} college, it helped me get {nearer to} people {I really like}, and frankly, it’s been {much more} FUN.

So {believe me} when I say this: {I understand} how valuable {it could be} {showing} your emotional side {on occasion}. I learned it the hard way.

But when {achieved it} become {not only} acceptable – but COOL – {to speak about} our most crippling vulnerabilities?

Have you noticed how {increasing numbers of people} on {social media marketing} and in articles are {discussing} {the significance} of vulnerability…and less about excellence? {How come} this happening?

Please, can we stop it with {each and every} random blogger, author, and rando on Facebook sharing some random mistake they {manufactured in} life?

If you {inquire further}, {can you} notice how people think being vulnerable makes them “courageous”?

• Having trouble in your relationships? {Discover the} “courage” to be vulnerable and everything {will undoubtedly be} ok.
• Hard time {at the job}? Be strong and {start} to your boss {about how exactly} you’re feeling.
• Kids stressing you out? Sit them down and {tell} them why you’re having {a hard} time.

But today {I wish to|I would like to} {provide you with a|offer you a} totally new {solution to} look at vulnerability and {demonstrate} how good people {will get} suckered into {authoring} vulnerability and failure {at all times|constantly|on a regular basis|continuously}. Because {unlike} {everything you} hear on Facebook ({and also} {lots of|plenty of} TED Talks), vulnerability {isn’t} always {the proper} answer.

The irresistible temptation of vulnerability

There are 3 topics {it is possible to} {reveal} that guarantee {you’ll get} 100+ comments and likes:

1. Your opinion on parenting
2. How much you {allocated to} your wedding
3. Some failure you experienced

For {the final} topic – failure – readers go absolutely wild.

Here, {i want to} show you {how it operates}.

Recently I wrote about the insecurities {that include} {as an} entrepreneur.

People LOVED it. {There have been} nearly 150 comments. I started thinking…”{MUST I} write more {concerning this}? People sure love my stories about failing.”

This {is strictly} what {a lot of people} experience: They write a post about failure, get {a fantastic} {level of|quantity of} comments and pats on {the trunk}, then decide {they would like to} keep {a very important thing} going.

They suddenly embrace The Failure Formula:

Step 1: {Reveal} {a blunder} they made

Step 2: Get {a huge selection of} supportive/validating comments (“I definitely needed this today!”)

Step 3: Repeat!

There’s {grounds} {nearly every} self-development article online {discusses} the writer’s failures: It works. {I’ve} never gotten {as much} comments as when I {reveal} {my very own} failures (see here).

And yet, {for this reason|that is why} 99% {of these} commenters will go nowhere.

It’s true – people love {once you} {reveal} your mistakes and failures. But there’s {a significant} downside to doing what gets you {probably the most} “likes”.

Sometimes it’s OK {to avoid} {discussing} your insecurities and mental barriers and just do {the task}. {You are feeling} better {once you} win.

– Ramit Sethi (@ramit) October 25, 2016

When you define yourself by your vulnerability, you leave little room for success. Ironically, {individuals} whose approval {you’ll} increasingly crave – {and you may} crave it {increasingly more|a lot more|a growing number of} – {will be the} very {individuals who} {desire to} commiserate over others’ failures. {They’re} {the final} people anyone should seek approval from.

I’d {prefer to} present {a fresh} {thought process} about vulnerability. {It offers} something people rarely {discuss}: status.

The Vulnerability Matrix

There are some well-documented {types of} how vulnerability {might help} you. Being vulnerable and open {could be} tremendously rewarding and valuable {for you}.

But in {today} of “radical transparency,” what {a lot of people} won’t {let you know} is that vulnerability {may also} hurt you. Nobody ever {discusses} these nuances.

I {desire to} {breakdown} these nuances {for you personally}.

The Vulnerability-Status matrix {is an extremely} simple {solution to} see what you’ll gain {when you are} more vulnerable. Surprisingly there’s {only 1} case where {that will aid} you. {Take a look}.

First, you have the … Aspirational Leader

This is who {most of us} aspire to {end up like}. High status and high vulnerability. {Not merely} are they insanely successful and great at what they do, {everyone} likes them.

Examples: Billionaire founder of Virgin Airlines Richard Branson, actress Jennifer Lawrence (here’s {an incredible} video on why she’s so likable), and The Rock.

People in this category make impeccable {usage of} The Pratfall Effect. {This is exactly what} happens {whenever a} high-status person makes {a blunder} or admits {for some} {sort of} flaw. They {do that}, and {rather than} losing respect for them – we {find yourself} finding them {More appealing} {and much more} likable.

The key {here’s} status. {In case a} low-status person made {exactly the same} mistakes or admitted {exactly the same} vulnerabilities, it’s not perceived {exactly the same} way. It’s not “cool” {as well as} status-enhancing. {But also for} a high-status person, vulnerability {is really a} major plus.

Take away the vulnerability {and you also} get … Accomplished & Aloof

Personally, I’m {among} this bucket (in the bottom-right). Fortunately, I’ve been professionally successful, but I’m {not so} vulnerable. That rubs {many people} {the wrong manner}. And I probably {lose out on} connecting with {plenty of} my readers or {individuals} who hear me talk.

In fact, I once spoke on stage at {exactly the same} event as James Altucher. Someone {doing work for} me {at that time} came {around} me after.

“{MAY I} {offer you} some feedback?” she asked. I said “Sure.”

“{Exactly why is it} that James – who’s made and lost tens of {huge amount of money} – is {A lot more} relatable than {you’re}?” she asked me.

She was right. If you’ve ever read or {paid attention to} James, it’s pretty clear why.

Former NFL linebacker James Harrison is another {exemplory case of} being completely unrelatable {because of} his insane workouts.

And at the extreme end {of the} bucket are guys like Elon Musk or Larry Page. {They’re} so successful – {plus they} share so little about themselves – {they} seem inhuman.

Personally, I’ve {managed to get} {a spot} to {become more} open to {individuals} around me. {In the event that you} saw my speech at Forefront, or if you’ve seen my article on shutting down a multimillion-dollar product, you’ll see. But {I usually} prioritize excellence over vulnerability.

Next, you have the … Delusional Wannabe

This was me when I was {in my own} 20s. God, I was so dumb. {I recall} speaking on a panel with author and venture capitalist Guy Kawasaki. Afterwards, I asked him how {I possibly could} {have more} speaking gigs.

He {viewed} me and said, “{Be worried about} doing something worth {discussing} first.”

Damn. That felt horrible. {Also it} took me {quite a long time} {to understand} he was right. The Delusional Wannabe has low status, but isn’t vulnerable at all.

And finally, the … Loser

Being open about your vulnerabilities {is okay}. However, {with them} {because the} sole crutch {for connecting} with people – {to obtain additional} comments and likes – {isn’t}. That’s when people go from “open” to needy and pathetic.

Worse, it’s just bad strategy!

If you {discuss} vulnerability {again and again} on {social media marketing} – without balancing it out {together with your} positive {applying for grants} {a subject}, or your accomplishments, or {various other} insight – you attract only {individuals who} love {discussing} failure. Sadly, {this type of person} almost always {seeking to} commiserate, not change. {And you also} never even realize what you’re doing to yourself: {developing a} self-reinforcing vortex of failures that get reinforced {each and every} time you post them.

So what {in the event you} do?

Imagine {two different people}. Same {degree of} skill. Same age. Same job.

One {of these} spends {another} year {understanding how to} {become more} vulnerable. Learns {how exactly to} “{start}” emotionally and share his failures with {other folks}.

The other spends {the entire year} doing {the contrary}. He spends his time mastering his craft and improving his communication skills. (Here {will be the} top 3 skills {I would recommend} you master btw.)

This {may be the} difference between (a) the writer who decides he {really wants to} “help people,” contemplates {learning to be a} life coach, and decides he better first {start by} starting a blog where {he is able to} {reveal} his “life experiences” and emotions for {other folks} to read…

… and (b) the writer who meticulously studies better writers, practices {discovering} and pitching ideas, and spends 3 nights {weekly} writing extra drafts {to obtain} feedback on {the very next day}.

At {the finish} of {the entire year}, who {do you consider} {will likely be|will probably be|will be} further ahead? {Who’s} {likely to} be happier {making use of their} life?

The {one who} {targets} excellence – not vulnerability – will live a Rich Life.

He’ll be earning more. He’ll {have significantly more} respect {at the job}. He’ll {have significantly more} OPTIONS and CONTROL over his career and his life.

The other guy?

From {the exterior}, it might {look like} he did ok. {He could} {have significantly more} followers, and {a lot of} likes. {He could} {perfectly} FEEL {very good} about himself.

But what has he actually done?

Not much.

Now if {the initial} guy, who has accomplished {a few of} his goals, {wished to} share {a few of} his toughest moments in growing – being truly vulnerable about mistakes he made and lessons learned – {that might be} awesome.

But {observe that} excellence comes first. {It is possible to} {continually be} vulnerable {once you} want. It’s very, {very difficult} to become excellent. But becoming excellent is {where in fact the} true rewards are.

I will always {concentrate on} people who {wish to be|desire to be} excellent. {If you need to|In order to} {be considered a} top performer, {this is actually the} place {for you personally}.

What about you? After {scanning this}, {guess what happens} “good” vulnerability {appears like}. In the comments, tell me someone famous {who’s} a master {of the} {and just why}.